Marriage, According to Mom and Dad

My dad's latest hobby is homemade karaoke. He takes an HDMI cable and connects his laptop to the 46'' television in the family room. My dad, who to this day has trouble operating a VCR, managed to figure out how to hook up his speakers and subwoofer to this setup as well. He goes onto YouTube and searches for karaoke videos of songs by artists he grew up listening to: the Ronettes, the Bee Gees, James Brown, Elvis, etc. My dad goes through this performance twice a day now: when he gets up in the morning and before he goes to bed at night.

My mother, of course, is not thrilled by my dad's hobby. She thinks he sounds awful. She's embarrassed by the idea that the neighbors may hear him. She's generally averse to any kind of behavior she finds absurd (of which my dad has plenty). So she'll retreat into the opposite end of the house, in the master bedroom, and watch her Taiwanese news programs and soap operas from the giant TV they have in there.

I called my parents tonight to see what they were up to. I happened to call when my dad was in the middle of a karaoke session.

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hi, Dad!

Dad: Oh hi!

Me: [hearing noise in the background] Whatcha up to?

Dad: Hold on a moment! I have to finish this song. I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes! And I fell out of bed! Hurting my head from things I'd said...

Dad, with Me singing along over the phone: Til I finally died! Which started the whole world living!! Oh, if I'd only SEEN! THAT THE JOKE WAS ON MEEEE!!!! [laughing]

Dad: Hehe, mom's finding sanctuary in the master bedroom.

Me: Poor mom.

Dad: Oh, and I found a really good video today that has applause in it! So I feel like Elvis entering the building! And when the song is done, I hear the applause and I bow in front of the TV. And that makes mom even more pissed. She asks me, "Why do they applaud? Why don't they say that you suck?" HAHA!

Me: You bow in front of the TV.

Dad: Yeah. And it would be even better if James could make me a nice outfit like Elvis. Because usually I'm just in my underwear. Haha! Or Elton John! Some nice glasses and a white suit and a bow tie. HAHAHA!

Me: Mom would love that.

Dad: Oh, you know, she asked me if we could go to Reno to see her favorite Taiwanese pop star perform...

Me: Yeah, she mentioned that to me.

Dad: So I said, sure, we can go. But only if she lets me do my karaoke everyday. So she said yes.

Me: Really? That doesn't seem to be an even exchange, Dad. You take her to one concert and she has to put up with your singing everyday?

Dad: Well, she has to put up with me everyday anyway, so singing or no singing, what's the difference? Hahaha!

END.

Home:Word

I am totally hooked on THIS ALBUM. I've sort of kept an eye on Magnetic North (a duo comprised of emcees Derek Kan and Theresa Vu) ever since I was introduced to their cover of "Drift Away." So when I learned that they collaborated with Taiyo Na, an artist whose work I've also recently come to admire, I had to buy the album right away. Besides, I'm always on the lookout for Asian American talent. Even better, socially conscious Asian American talent.

My favorite track is "We Belong," an anthem for Asian American empowerment that takes jabs at Rosie O'Donnell's ching-chong joke and Miley Cyrus's chinky eyes at the same time that it incisively comments on the model minority myth, refugee experience, and the lives of migrant workers. And on top of that, it's great to listen to, with a funky groove, singable chorus, and tight rhymes.

A friend of mine knows Vu, Kan and Na personally, and he says that they're fantastic people who are activists as well as artists. So support them and buy the album now!

The Limits To My Fierceness

So yesterday I wrote a post about channeling my inner fierceness through a Salt-n-Pepa ringtone. I should probably provide a disclaimer saying that, most of the time, my ringtone is actually set to this:

Oh yes. That's the Lea Michelle cover of the Barbra Streisand classic, "Don't Rain On My Parade" from the super cool series, Glee. Apparently, when I'm not pretending that I'm a black woman, I'm pretending that I'm a gay man.

Now, this song is not lacking in fierceness. I mean, you don't want to mess with Barbra Streisand. She will cut you. And there are few moments in music recording history more tingle-inducing than when she belts, "Hey Mr. Arnstein, HERE I AAAAAAMMMM!!!!" Those pipes are no joke.

Still, this is not a ringtone that inspires awe and admiration. Nor is it one to be used on campus. Last week, I was in my office hours with three students who wanted help on their research papers. I had forgotten to put my phone on silent, and all of a sudden comes blaring, "Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter..." My students immediately recognized it and exclaimed, "Glee!"

Maybe that scored me some coolness points with my apparently very dorky students, but still, that was kind of embarrassing. Though perhaps less embarrassing than had I said, "Yes, but have you seen Funny Girl with Barbra Streisand???"

This is how I know I will never be cool. After I shared with my brother the website that my friend shared with me, Audiko.net, we immediately started a war of sending each other embarrassing ringtones. His first hit for me: "Souper Trouper" by ABBA. But not the ABBA original. The cover from the embarrassingly bad movie, Mamma Mia!, featuring Meryl Streep. For some reason, my brother takes great delight in the idea of me having to listen to, "I was sick and tired of everything, when I called you last night from Glasgow..." every time someone calls me.

I think I trumped him, though. This was my gift/revenge:

His response: A text message that simply said, "U suck."

Now, the deal is that if I use his ringtone, he'll use mine. At least for each other's IDs. But I don't think that's going to happen. Even we have limits to our dorkiness.

How to Become a Professor (When You Don't Know What the Hell You Are Doing): Lesson 1-- Finding the Right Groove

Let me begin this "How to Become a Professor" series of posts by emphasizing the subtitle: I really don't know what the hell I am doing most of the time. Fine, I'm overstating that. (Must break myself of habit of self-deprecation common among women professionals.) I could ventriloquize the really great advice that I've gotten from my faculty advisors about writing the polished cover letter, timing your publications, conducting yourself professionally, etc. That's no small change, and I'll share that info on this blog, too. But I'd rather start with advice that I've come to develop from my own tested experience. I am aware, though, that much of what I will relay will make this Asian Girl Professor appear to be simply a Silly Asian Girl. Whatever. As Sarah Palin would remind us, I can say anything in the name of "satire." (Though as a soon-to-be English professor, I do feel the need to make very clear that, unlike Sarah Palin, I do know what satire is, and am aware that it isn't exactly what I'm performing here on this blog. I am, however, employing a bit of irony, which is a device that Sarah Palin also doesn't seem to understand. Where I am being ironic and where I am being serious, however, I will leave you, dear reader, to decide.)

Okay, so the first thing that any aspiring professor needs to do is to find or cultivate an alter-ego. Just about the worst advice I have ever gotten as an academic was, "Just be yourself." I'm sorry, but "myself" is hopelessly nerdy and slightly socially awkward. "Myself" gets really revved up talking about things that 99% of the general population probably doesn't give a shit about. In high school, "myself" only ever felt cool and confident in speech and debate tournaments. So "myself" would do me little good when I have to speak in front of 200 students for 80 minutes at a time, and "myself" would not be equipped to counter tricky questions from Old White Dude interviewers with precise and powerful answers.

So, in high pressure situations, instead of being "myself," I would rather be someone much more fabulous, much more fierce, and much more fearless. Beyoncé's alter-ego is Sasha Fierce. My alter-ego is, well, Beyoncé. Or Janet Jackson. Or Lauryn Hill (sans the crazy). Or Salt-n-Pepa (plus Spinderella). I will channel this alter-ego by listening to music by these women. (This Asian Girl Professor apparently wishes she were a Strong Black Diva.)

This is precisely what I did before each interview I had to do. In the few minutes before I had to walk through the door, I would set my iPod onto "Ring the Alarm," or " "Lost Ones," or "What Have You Done For Me Lately," take some deep breaths, focus my gaze, and strut down the hall. No jitters, no ticks, no "ums" and "I thinks." I try to project what I want the interviewers to think of me, which is, "Ohmygod, we have to hire this woman."

Of course, it's important to make sure that transitioning into this alter-ego appears seamless, so that people just assume that you're naturally that fierce. (Worse than someone who's geeky and nervous is an asshole who tries too hard.) This means being strategic about when to use this alter-ego. This is a trick that I'm still trying to master. Most recently, a friend of mine (who's also an aspiring Asian Girl Prof, and who, in spite of her own insecurities, is definitely friggin' fierce) introduced me to a website on which you can make a ringtone out of any mp3. I immediately made one out of the song, "Shoop," loving the idea of turning my ringtone into a reminder of my fierce self. Tough I probably shouldn't use this ringtone while I'm on campus, in case I forget to put my phone on silent and my students hear blaring from my pocket:

Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that
Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
You're a shotgun - bang! What's up with that thang?
I wanna know how does it hang?

Yeah, not too professional. Every professional woman knows that there's fine line between being admired for your fierceness and being scrutinized for it. But more on that later...