Mashers!

My brother and I will each be living on our own for the first time in our lives. This is how we shared our feelings about it.

Bro: As much as I loved my roommates, I can't wait to have my own place.

Me: Yeah, I think it'll be alright in an apartment. But living alone in a house would freak me out. No matter how much a roommate could get on my nerves, I still preferred to have someone else in the house.

Bro: Yeah, that one time when mom and dad went out of town, and I thought it would be really fun to have the house to myself, I totally freaked out at any little noise. I turned on every light in every room, turned on every tv, and just stayed in bed in their room.

Me: Aww, why their room?

Bro: Because my room is at the front of the house, and I kept thinking someone would burst through the window!

Me: Yeah, I'd be afraid that the mashers would come out and get me.

Bro: The what?

Me: Mashers!

Bro: Huh?

Me: You know, bad guys who come in and mash you up...

Bro: Mash you up?

Me: Yeah, like with a meat tenderizer.

Bro: What? Why a meat tenderizer?

Me: Cuz that would be super painful! Like worse than a shanking.

Bro: Uh, I dunno about that. I mean, couldn't you defend yourself against a dinky little meat tenderizer?

Me: No, not one of those little wooden ones. A big ass metal one! With spikes! All your bones would get mashed into little bits!

Bro: Ohmygod, that's what you're saying? Mashers! I thought you were just saying "monster" in some weird accent. You fucking weirdo...

Me: Mashers!

Bro: But who the hell would carry around a big ass meat tenderizer?

Me: I dunno, a viking. With, like, a big hat with horns.

Bro: So that's your worst nightmare. A viking comes into your house in the middle of the night and mashes your legs with a giant meat tenderizer.

Me: MASHERS!

Bro: So there's more than one masher? There's like a clan of viking mashers?

Me: [laughing] I guess!

Bro: [laughing] Are they actual vikings or just dudes dressed as vikings?

Me: [laughing] Does it matter?

Bro: [laughing] I guess not...

Me: [laughing]

[Mom pokes her head in the room.]

Mom: [In Cantonese] Hey! Do you two know what time it is? Stop being so loud!

Me: [giggling]

Bro: Shhh!!

Me: [giggling]

[Mom leaves.]

Me: See, masher!

Bro: HAHAHA!! Can you imagine mom in a viking costume??

Me: HAHAHAHA!! But she actually would use the little wooden meat tenderizers! One in each hand!

Bro: HAHAHAHA!!! [mimicking mom yelling at us in Mandarin] "Wan Ba Dan!"

Me: HAHAHA, ohmygod...

Bro: Heeheehee...

Me: ...

Bro: Well, I guess that's sort of like that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Anya's cousin shows up and he's like, a big ogre viking.

Me: See, Joss Whedon understands my nightmares.

Bro: Joss Whedon is a genius.

Me: ...

Bro: ...

Me: Though I guess if a masher had a giant ass meat tenderizer, it would be pretty easy to dodge him. That thing would be heavy.

Bro: HAHAHAHA!!!

END.

The Limits To My Fierceness

So yesterday I wrote a post about channeling my inner fierceness through a Salt-n-Pepa ringtone. I should probably provide a disclaimer saying that, most of the time, my ringtone is actually set to this:

Oh yes. That's the Lea Michelle cover of the Barbra Streisand classic, "Don't Rain On My Parade" from the super cool series, Glee. Apparently, when I'm not pretending that I'm a black woman, I'm pretending that I'm a gay man.

Now, this song is not lacking in fierceness. I mean, you don't want to mess with Barbra Streisand. She will cut you. And there are few moments in music recording history more tingle-inducing than when she belts, "Hey Mr. Arnstein, HERE I AAAAAAMMMM!!!!" Those pipes are no joke.

Still, this is not a ringtone that inspires awe and admiration. Nor is it one to be used on campus. Last week, I was in my office hours with three students who wanted help on their research papers. I had forgotten to put my phone on silent, and all of a sudden comes blaring, "Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter..." My students immediately recognized it and exclaimed, "Glee!"

Maybe that scored me some coolness points with my apparently very dorky students, but still, that was kind of embarrassing. Though perhaps less embarrassing than had I said, "Yes, but have you seen Funny Girl with Barbra Streisand???"

This is how I know I will never be cool. After I shared with my brother the website that my friend shared with me, Audiko.net, we immediately started a war of sending each other embarrassing ringtones. His first hit for me: "Souper Trouper" by ABBA. But not the ABBA original. The cover from the embarrassingly bad movie, Mamma Mia!, featuring Meryl Streep. For some reason, my brother takes great delight in the idea of me having to listen to, "I was sick and tired of everything, when I called you last night from Glasgow..." every time someone calls me.

I think I trumped him, though. This was my gift/revenge:

His response: A text message that simply said, "U suck."

Now, the deal is that if I use his ringtone, he'll use mine. At least for each other's IDs. But I don't think that's going to happen. Even we have limits to our dorkiness.