Marriage, According to Mom and Dad

My dad's latest hobby is homemade karaoke. He takes an HDMI cable and connects his laptop to the 46'' television in the family room. My dad, who to this day has trouble operating a VCR, managed to figure out how to hook up his speakers and subwoofer to this setup as well. He goes onto YouTube and searches for karaoke videos of songs by artists he grew up listening to: the Ronettes, the Bee Gees, James Brown, Elvis, etc. My dad goes through this performance twice a day now: when he gets up in the morning and before he goes to bed at night.

My mother, of course, is not thrilled by my dad's hobby. She thinks he sounds awful. She's embarrassed by the idea that the neighbors may hear him. She's generally averse to any kind of behavior she finds absurd (of which my dad has plenty). So she'll retreat into the opposite end of the house, in the master bedroom, and watch her Taiwanese news programs and soap operas from the giant TV they have in there.

I called my parents tonight to see what they were up to. I happened to call when my dad was in the middle of a karaoke session.

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hi, Dad!

Dad: Oh hi!

Me: [hearing noise in the background] Whatcha up to?

Dad: Hold on a moment! I have to finish this song. I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes! And I fell out of bed! Hurting my head from things I'd said...

Dad, with Me singing along over the phone: Til I finally died! Which started the whole world living!! Oh, if I'd only SEEN! THAT THE JOKE WAS ON MEEEE!!!! [laughing]

Dad: Hehe, mom's finding sanctuary in the master bedroom.

Me: Poor mom.

Dad: Oh, and I found a really good video today that has applause in it! So I feel like Elvis entering the building! And when the song is done, I hear the applause and I bow in front of the TV. And that makes mom even more pissed. She asks me, "Why do they applaud? Why don't they say that you suck?" HAHA!

Me: You bow in front of the TV.

Dad: Yeah. And it would be even better if James could make me a nice outfit like Elvis. Because usually I'm just in my underwear. Haha! Or Elton John! Some nice glasses and a white suit and a bow tie. HAHAHA!

Me: Mom would love that.

Dad: Oh, you know, she asked me if we could go to Reno to see her favorite Taiwanese pop star perform...

Me: Yeah, she mentioned that to me.

Dad: So I said, sure, we can go. But only if she lets me do my karaoke everyday. So she said yes.

Me: Really? That doesn't seem to be an even exchange, Dad. You take her to one concert and she has to put up with your singing everyday?

Dad: Well, she has to put up with me everyday anyway, so singing or no singing, what's the difference? Hahaha!

END.

Happy Mother's Day

From all the anecdotes I offer about my mama, anyone can tell that my mother is a pretty special lady. Today, she had one piece of wisdom to offer me:

"When looking for a husband, you must make sure he has three things: high age, high income, and high blood pressure."

It's a lot funnier in Chinese.

Happy Mother's Day!

Asian Catholic Guilt

My mother has a very soft and sensitive soul, but like all little Asian ladies, she knows how to be a Hardass Asian Mama. She'll be the first to tell me when I'm being silly, inappropriate, or just plain stupid. She also knows how to use her own gentle ways to remind me and my brother of the fact that, compared to her own upbringing, we're a couple of entitled brats.

My Hardass Asian Mama also happens to be a devout Catholic. (Asian + Catholic + Mama= Mega-Guilt-Inducing Parenting Strategies.) I called her on the phone this afternoon and she reminded me that it was Good Friday, a fact that I had completely forgotten. Not that it would have mattered had I remembered. This time of year every year, I joke about giving up abstinence for Lent.

Me: What are you doing tonight?

Mama: I'm going to church. It's Good Friday. Are you?

Me: No. Do I ever for Good Friday?

Mama: No, you don't. Are you going to church on Sunday?

Me: Yeah, maybe I will. I did last year.

Mama: You should go to church. You should go to church regularly. God has been very good to you this year. You should be thankful.

Me: (thinking: "Goddammit.") Yeah, you're right.

END.

You would think that in my 29 years of being a generally obstinate daughter that I would learn to just say, "Yes, mom" and go off and do whatever the hell I want. But sometimes I can't help but heed the words of my Hardass Asian Mama. Before I was blessed with my job offers and whatnot, my mom pulled the same line: "You should go to church. If you want that job, you should go to church and pray to God." And in spite of my years of trying to weasel out of going to church with my mom, of making fun of religious people, of openly declaring that the Catholic church is royally fucked up, I actually did obey my mom and went to church the weekend before I flew out for my first job interview.

Yup. Now you know where I'll be Easter Sunday.