Mashers!

My brother and I will each be living on our own for the first time in our lives. This is how we shared our feelings about it.

Bro: As much as I loved my roommates, I can't wait to have my own place.

Me: Yeah, I think it'll be alright in an apartment. But living alone in a house would freak me out. No matter how much a roommate could get on my nerves, I still preferred to have someone else in the house.

Bro: Yeah, that one time when mom and dad went out of town, and I thought it would be really fun to have the house to myself, I totally freaked out at any little noise. I turned on every light in every room, turned on every tv, and just stayed in bed in their room.

Me: Aww, why their room?

Bro: Because my room is at the front of the house, and I kept thinking someone would burst through the window!

Me: Yeah, I'd be afraid that the mashers would come out and get me.

Bro: The what?

Me: Mashers!

Bro: Huh?

Me: You know, bad guys who come in and mash you up...

Bro: Mash you up?

Me: Yeah, like with a meat tenderizer.

Bro: What? Why a meat tenderizer?

Me: Cuz that would be super painful! Like worse than a shanking.

Bro: Uh, I dunno about that. I mean, couldn't you defend yourself against a dinky little meat tenderizer?

Me: No, not one of those little wooden ones. A big ass metal one! With spikes! All your bones would get mashed into little bits!

Bro: Ohmygod, that's what you're saying? Mashers! I thought you were just saying "monster" in some weird accent. You fucking weirdo...

Me: Mashers!

Bro: But who the hell would carry around a big ass meat tenderizer?

Me: I dunno, a viking. With, like, a big hat with horns.

Bro: So that's your worst nightmare. A viking comes into your house in the middle of the night and mashes your legs with a giant meat tenderizer.

Me: MASHERS!

Bro: So there's more than one masher? There's like a clan of viking mashers?

Me: [laughing] I guess!

Bro: [laughing] Are they actual vikings or just dudes dressed as vikings?

Me: [laughing] Does it matter?

Bro: [laughing] I guess not...

Me: [laughing]

[Mom pokes her head in the room.]

Mom: [In Cantonese] Hey! Do you two know what time it is? Stop being so loud!

Me: [giggling]

Bro: Shhh!!

Me: [giggling]

[Mom leaves.]

Me: See, masher!

Bro: HAHAHA!! Can you imagine mom in a viking costume??

Me: HAHAHAHA!! But she actually would use the little wooden meat tenderizers! One in each hand!

Bro: HAHAHAHA!!! [mimicking mom yelling at us in Mandarin] "Wan Ba Dan!"

Me: HAHAHA, ohmygod...

Bro: Heeheehee...

Me: ...

Bro: Well, I guess that's sort of like that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Anya's cousin shows up and he's like, a big ogre viking.

Me: See, Joss Whedon understands my nightmares.

Bro: Joss Whedon is a genius.

Me: ...

Bro: ...

Me: Though I guess if a masher had a giant ass meat tenderizer, it would be pretty easy to dodge him. That thing would be heavy.

Bro: HAHAHAHA!!!

END.